How do you know if your nanny or au pair is emotionally harming your child? Unless something's obviously wrong, how do you know what to look for? Sometimes it's not obvious, or you aren't around to witness it - that's why we conduct our comprehensive assessement. But, there are five types of behaviors you should keep an eye out for, to make sure your nanny isn't engaging in any of them. These are:
1. Being intrusive
2. Expressing negative affect/regard
3. Being harsh
4. Ignoring
5. Overwhelming
This list is simple because it's fairly black and white: Your caregiver should never do any of them! Now, let’s look at each one below so you can identify them if they occur:
1. Intrusiveness
Children need to explore their environment with a sense of freedom and your nanny should encourage this (in a safe manner). Intrusiveness is the opposite. It often looks like “interrupting the child’s activities, rather than supporting the child’s engagement and exploration of the environment” (Halle et al., 2011, p. 10). Examples of intrusive behaviors include:
Demanding rigid adherence to rules that are not for the safety of your child, such as, over-emphasis on manners or schedules (when eating, sleeping, playing, cleaning up, etc.). You should scrutinize any rule that isn't clearly for your child's wellbeing.
Being inflexible. There's just no good reason to be inflexible with your child. If you witness what you believe to be inflexibility, don't let anyone (including youself) talk you into believing it's for your child's benefit - it's not!
Refusing to allow your child to take the lead during interactions. Your child is subject to the stipulations of others all the time, and this induces helplessness, which makes everyone (even little kids) angry. Therefore, allowing, and encouraging, your child to take the lead while playing, doing chores, and conversing, vitally important. If your nanny insists on directing your child too often, it's a problem.
Overly controlling your child, such as physically restraining him/her for long periods (such as for punishment), including time-outs, or preventing your child from doing an activity for reasons not related to safety. I would not permit any caregiver to punish my child. Children are not developmentally capable of explaining their negative emotions in words, so they act them out. If your nanny/au pair sees these behaviors as "bad" and in need of control, then she's being over-controlling.
2. Negative affect or regard
Your nanny should view your child as a delightful, and fundamentally good person, and she should consistently express this in the form of warmth and positive emotion. This should be the case no matter how your child behaves. Negative affect or regard is the absence of this overall sense of positivity. There's no such thing as "neutral" engagement with a child. If your nanny isn't full of positivity when they interact, she's sending negative signals that your child is picking up (even as an infant).
Negative affect/regard is also an issue if she exhibits negative emotional responses, such as anger, helplessness or exasperation around your child. It's also a problem if she seems depressed, unhappy, detached or emotionally distant with your child. These are all indications of negative affect, which is always detrimental. We discuss what positive regard should look like in the post, How Your Nanny Can Support Your Child’s Social-Emotional Development, Part 2/4: “Warmth".
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3. Harshness (verbal or physical)
Verbal harshness has many manifestations. It encompasses more than harsh or unkind words. Indications of harshness include:
o a stern or insensitive tone of voice
o yelling
o use of unkind language like “shut up”
o interrupting
o sarcasm
o name-calling
Any of the above should be a deal-breaker. There's just no room for harshness of any kind in a healthy, loving, caregiver-child relationship. If you notice one of them, I'd assume it's not an aberration, but rather part of a pattern.
Physical harshness is more obvious. It includes spanking and other physical forms of discipline, but also rough or abrupt touching. Whenever she touches your child it should be gentle and should communicate sensitivity, care and affection. Sometimes people assume that little boys should be less sensitive to these things than girls, but this is a fallacy. Boys should be treated with the same care as girls. Rougher play is normal for boys, but it shouldn't be harsh or insensitive.
4. Ignoring. There are two ways for your nanny to ignore your child:
a) Actively ignoring. This includes:
not paying attention to him/her
neglecting your child’s attempts to get her attention, whether verbally or physically
ignoring your child’s need for help with something or someone
b) Failing to engage. This includes ignoring signs that the child is bored, restlessness, and allowing the child to wander around or remain unoccupied for extended periods.
One of the biggest culprits is your nanny's phone. A nanny/au pair who's sitting on her phone for long periods, while your child is forced to occupy him/herself is ignoring your child. Sometimes it's less obvious though. She may be physically present but not mentally there. For example, she could be playing a board game with your son and be looking at her phone when it's not her turn. Or, she could be on her phone while they're watching a show. In these examples, she's technically there, but not mentally engaged with your child. This can be lonelier for your child than if she were actually in another room. It's also confusing: She's there but it feels like she's not.
I've also witnessed another, related behavior: Caregivers pushing young children in strollers while looking at their phones. They cross driveways and intersections without even glancing around to make sure the coast is clear. These women are oblivious to their surroundings, and are putting themselves and the children in their car in danger. They're also not paying attention to the child - at all.
Importantly, children who are ignored will often find ways to occupy themselves, and may look content or even happy to the untrained eye. However, children adapt to their environment out of necessity. They don't really enjoy their own company more than that of a loving caregiver. If your child seems to prefer being alone over being with their nanny/au pair, or if your nanny tells you how much your child enjoys being alone, or how "good" s/he is at playing alone, this likely indicates a problem.
5. Overwhelming the child. Being overwhelmed means feeling flooded with too much emotion or stimulation. Many factors can contribute to overwhelming your child, and it can also be a combination of things. Your nanny should avoid doing things that tend to create an overwhelming environment for your child. There are two big culprits:
(1) General chaos. General chaos is created through any of the following:
Disorganized spaces
Unorganized activities
Inconsistent rules
Too much noise
(2) Overly intense interaction. Interactions that may be too intense for your child include:
Asking too many questions
Giving directions with too many steps
Providing unclear instructions
Presenting too many toys at once
How do you know if your child is overwhelmed? Children, especially young children, aren't biologically able to manage their big feelings. So they're easily overwhelmed, and it comes out in their behavior. S/he will let you know in various ways, such as:
o Becoming unresponsive (zoned out or not paying attention)
o Crying
o Fussing
o Turning away
o Leaving the room (if mobile)
o Not complying
It also comes out in older children. For instance, if your nanny is helping your 10-year old daughter with homework that she doesn't understand, your daughter may lose focus, get irritable, cry, or run out of the room. These are all signs that she's overwhelmed by the emotions that were triggered by her inability to understand - frustration, shame, etc. These are signs that she needs to be comforted immediately by a sensitive caregiver through words, eye contact and touch.
One very important point: As stated in other posts, when children look like they needs a timeout, they really need a time in. This means isolating children as a punishment when they are crying, fussing, not being attentive, etc. is harmful, and will overwhelm them even more. It should never be an option for your nanny/au pair no matter how difficult the situation.
If you're concerned that your nanny or au pair may be exhibiting any of these behaviors with your child, and aren't sure what to do, feel free to book a free consult with me, and I'll help you figure it out. Also, check out the post on 5 Important Factors that Effect Your Nanny's Success for more research-based tips on how to choose and keep the best nanny.
Based on research by:
Atkins-Burnett, Sally, Shannon Monahan, Louisa Tarullo, Yange Xue, Elizabeth Cavadel, Lizabeth Malone, and Lauren Akers (2015). Measuring the Quality of Caregiver-Child Interactions for Infants and Toddlers (Q-CCIIT). OPRE Report 2015-13. Washington, DC: Office of Planning, Research and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, U. S. Department of Health and Human Services.
Halle, T., Anderson, R., Blasberg, A., Chrisler, A., & Simkin, S. (2011). Quality of caregiver- child interactions for infants and toddlers (QCCIIT): A Review of the Literature, OPRE 2011- 25. Washington, DC: Office of Planning, Research and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
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